Wikivoyage:Joke articles/Bodoni

Bodoni is San Serriffe's tropical capital. With its heritage of Brutalist concrete architecture intermixed with the spices and mayhem of the South Seas, Bodoni presents a bold face to the world and to the curious traveler.

The Pineapple House, a local landmark

Get in

By plane

National Hero Antonio Bourgeois International Airport (IATA code: NHB) is located just outside the city limits. It's a bit too far to walk, so consider hiring a donqtuque to take you there.

By car

If you want to get here by car, your car's wheels must be strong enough because there are many sharp stones on the city streets.

By bus

There is only one bus service every day connecting the city hall and the mayor's official residence.

By boat

Your boat must be strong enough and not attract the sharks.

Get around

Because of the small number of taxis (the only 4 licences are held by the President's sons), it is very difficult to catch one. Fights are very common and are encouraged by government as a way to solve disputes. The last man standing has the right to use the taxi. Unfortunately two of President's sons have a passion for gambling so don't be surprised if they lose the taxi at it while you're fighting.

See

• Pilcrow Palace, 61 Avenida do Plenk. An architectural landmark shaped like the letter P, painted in imposing shades of gray and constructed on the order of General Pica. Now open to the public, sights inside include the mirror-lined Combat Duty Bedroom of the General and the grim Disco Inferno, where political dissidents were subjected to reruns of Saturday Night Fever until they broke down and confessed. Open alternate Tuesdays from 9:45 to 10:30 AM, admission 200 dR.
• Hai Phen, avenida do Bahia Tilde (go the end of the trolley line, then join up with the beginning). Bodoni's Little Chinatown, the Hai Phen district features many different kinds of spicey and ginger-scented swarfega prepared in Chinese style. Legal and gray-market CDs and DVDs are available, but be careful: many are region 8 encoded and dubbed over in Goudy.

Do

• Bodoni Theatre of the Incomprehensible, 15 Avenida du Enigma. Actors perform on a giant scrabble board while the audience plays scrabble. Words from any of San Serriffe's many languages are allowed. As each word forms, the actors weave it into the story and continue the performance. The performance is known as a Play on Words. Tickets 125 dRn. (Includes a complementary bottle of Plenque)

Buy

Shopping at the Bean Market

• Bean Market (Mercado do Feijão). Popular among souvenir-shoppers, this market offers a wide selection of white beans, violet beans, purple beans and, on festive occasions, small dried fish. Haggling is necessary. It's advisable to visit the market in the morning, as in the afternoon the merchants' lunches start to digest and air quality tends to deteriorate.

• Pineapple House, 42 Calle do Ananás. This distinctively-shaped building is a famed Bodonian landmark and nearly all tourists are dragged here by touts and/or the police at least twice per day. Once inside, you have the choice of purchasing pineapple products like mashed pineapple, pineapple jam, pineapple wine (also available as an enema), etc. Free entry, but getting out tends to be expensive.

Eat

Bodoni provides an excellent opportunity to take a break from a monotonous diet of mashed swarfega and try everybody's favorite root vegetable in stewed or deep-fried form instead. There are persistent rumors of turnips and even the occasional potato being available on the black market and served in private rooms at high-end restaurants, but be discreet in your enquiries as possession of unlicensed foreign vegetables is a crime under Serriffean law.

Budget

A bowl of delicious swarfega stew at Swarfeg-o-Yum-Yum

• Swarfeg-o-Yum-Yum, 9 Calle do Explicatus. This popular eatery specializes in a stew made from the distinctive local vegetable swarfega. The dish was banned during the long reign of General Pica, when only mashed foods were permitted and soups were punishable by death, but societal restrictions have been loosened up recently and on weekend nights it can get so crowded that it's standing-room only — not that there are any tables or chairs anyway. One bowl is more than enough for ten and costs just 10 dR.

• Willy's on Wheels, (a mobile donqtuque which drives through the city). Serves pineapple deep fried in a stove hauled about the city at an astonishing rate in a donqtuque, much to the trepidation of pedestrians. Considered a Bodoni institution for its undiminished service over the last three decades despite the best efforts of the health department. 15 dR for an entree, free if health inspectors arrive.

Mid-range

• McObelus, 69 Calle do Rebus (and other outlets around town). While multinational chains have yet to enter the demanding San Serriffean market, the indigenous McObelus chain is often credited with bringing fast food culture to the islands. Popular entrees include the Big Obelus burger with a patty of mashed, deep-fried swarfega and Bodoni Fries, served with a dip of grease.

Sleep

VIP Flophouse

Budget

• VIP Flophouse, 42 Calle do Rebus, tel. +693-33433337, . A long-running backpacker favorite, originally built for long-term guests of General Pica. Running water is provided in every room (when it rains) and the staff are all true Bodonis. Dorm beds 500 dR/night (mattress not included).

Splurge

The best way to stay here is staying at the presidential palace, but you have to contact the president first.