Blumenort, Manitoba

Blumenort is a city in Manitoba.

Get in

Being so small, it is actually impossible city to find. Your best bet is to get a hot air balloon and proceed to fly over Manitoba. This is best done in the evening, and upon the occassion that you should smell something absolutely disgusting, you should immedately exit the hot air balloon, preferably by parachute. The use of a parachute is suggested in order to ensure a high level of speed so that you won't miss the tiny town upon your landing. Also, you are free to land virtually anywhere as approximately 92% of Blumenort consists of fields.

Get around

Obviously, Blumenort doesn't offer any taxi or bus services. However, if you happen to own any form of tractor, it is highly suggested you take it along with you on your trip as this will prove useful in many situations. It will not only function as a form of transportation, but it will lend you a hand in experiencing Blumenort culture. If, however, you don't own a tractor, for a reasonable price the local farmers may lend you a pig on which you may ride. This is an ancient skill only learned through a rather difficult training process during which you may find yourself often upon your back in a pile of pig manure.

See

• When entering Blumenort, it has a large, beautiful sign displaying the name of this charming village. The sign and its surrounding area take up about half of the village itself, but it is definately worth seeing, as it is one of the best compared to other cities and villages in the surrounding area.

• In this flatter-than-roadkill town, any field provides an excellent view of either the sunrise or the sunset.

• If you happen to be taking a walk through the town at approximately 8:30 in the morning, it is most likely you will run across the dog that walks his man every day. It is an encouragement to all Blumenorters that the world is still turning and that there has been no change.

Do

Blumenort is famous for having nothing to do, but the youths still living in the area have found ways of entertaining themselves, including the following;

• Climbing Silo's

• Walking through drainage pipes

• Finding out how to break into the school

• Going for walks in the middle of the night

• Burning things

For the younger children, there are in fact a few things for them to do.

1) Play on the school play structure

2) Play on the park play structure

These, surprisingly, are NOT the same structure. The school recently got a new structure which may excite the children. However, if you are like the mennonites that occupy area and don't appreciate change, you can always go to the park play structure. In a world obsessed with health and safety, this structure clings to the old ways of danger and excitement. It is known for giving slivers, being fallen off of, and a rather treacherous spider-web made out of thick ropes. The smaller your legs, the more likely they will slip into the holes of the web and you will not only have rope burn all the way from your ankles to your crotch, but you will be indefintely stuck until you can configure a way to remove your legs from the trap.

The structure also includes balance beams with ropes hanging nearby that should be within reach for children, but often only help once older. The ropes are mostly for swinging from one side of the structure to the other. It also features a large yellow slide which can occupy a large number of kids at one time which often results in a large pile-up at the bottom. This is especially unpleasant in spring and summer when there is often a large puddle of water sitting there in anticipation for its next victim.

Buy

Blumenort has 2 stores; M&R and R&L. R&L now has its name changed, but anyone living there knows it as R&L so asking for directions to its other name is utterly pointless as they will most likely direct you to an entirely different city. R&L is the most popular of the 2. This is partially because of its female-like multi-tasking skills. Not only is it a convenience store, but its a post-office, a restaurant, key maker, and a video rental store. It also sells a variety of books, cleaning supplies, and pet supplies. The building itself is no bigger than the average store you might find in a mall.

The school sells a small number of items as well. While attending there, you may use the 2 drink machines. At the office, you may also buy pens, pads, and tampons for $0.50.

Eat

As you are on a trip, you are probably accustomed to eating in restaurants which you may do here at R&L. However, as you may be running short on money after buying your pig, if you just walk around and yell "I'm a hungry visitor" a number of people will likely invite you into their homes and make you eat until they're satisfied that there is no possible way you could still be hungry, no matter how large your appetite. Being a mennonite community, it is most likely that you will be eating a meal including some of the following foods

• farmer sausage
• potatoes
• cottage cheese perogies
• Shmone Faut
• Summa borscht
• Krumst borscht
• Rah Kueken

And a number of other mennonite dishes. A warning to any dieters, none of these are particularly health in any sense and it would be best if you just stayed home as denying this food may prove to be offensive.

Drink

Don't even MENTION alcohol! The mennonites are very conservative and many would throw you out of town for even suggesting the consumption of alcohol.

Sleep

The same people who feed you supper will likely give you a place to sleep. However, if you prove the least bit rebellious (a.k.a. non-mennonite) they may be very wary of you and suggest you drive to a different city for night. However, they will do this very kindly and politely and will likely give you more food to take with you to wherever you may go. The food will likely be homemade buns. If, however, you chose the restaurant, you didn't have a chance to become friends with anyone over supper and it will be very difficult to find a trusting home. In this case, it is best to find the nearest brush and walk around in there until you find a tree house. This is best done further into the country nearer to the farmers as these tree houses tend to be better and more extravagant. If you have need of warmth, you can either use a blanket found there or snuggle with your pig that you previously borrowed. If you are still on good terms with the people whom you borrowed the pig from, they will likely offer you food and a place to sleep in return for the precious pig.

Contact

Contact between opposite genders before marriage is strictly forbidden. You may even want to be cautious about touching your wife. Mennonites tend to gossip and within minutes of the contact, you will be shunned by the whole town. This is, of course, avoidable upon the knowledge of your marriage. However, Mennonites try not to be materialistic and will not quickly notice your wedding bands. No matter the case, it is always best to be a bibles width apart from any person of the opposite gender. If you don't have a bible...well God help you.

Get out

Well seeing as you parachuted into Blumenort, it would be best if you could parachute out as well. This will easily be done by climbing a silo and jumping off. Remember, though, to compensate for the weight gain from eating the fatty mennonite foods, the food on your back, and the pig if you two grew attached and you full out bought it. If however, none of this was taken into account, you will remain stuck in Blumenort. You will have no escape from the life for which you are now destined. If, however, you become desparate as many do, you may try to strap on your parachute, jump off the silo, and hope a crop dusting plane comes by and snags the parachute as you fall.

All the best of luck to you all!