Wikivoyage:Joke articles/Narnia< Wikivoyage:Joke articles
Narnia is a faraway land located in the depths of your wardrobe.
Narnia's history is chronicled in the aptly named Chronicles of Narnia. Its creation came about through the singing of a Lion (Turkish: Aslan) at some point around the year 1900 UTC. However, with timezone differences this event varies being from several hundred to several thousand years ago local time.
Flora and faunaEdit
Not unlike San Francisco, Narnia is inhabited by all manner of fanciful creatures. These include talking animals, half-human beasts, dwarves, witches, and huge CGI lions. Most will be happy to chat and share a cup of tea, although some will attempt to kill and eat you; try to ascertain which is which before requesting tea.
While Narnia normally enjoys a temperate climate, it is prone to very long, possibly century-long cold winters. Don't leave your coat in the wardrobe.
- Ettinsmoor - the lonely far north region, populated by giants
- Great River Valley - Narnia's economic backbone, stretching across from the northwest
- Lantern Waste - wooded region in the northwest of the country
- Western Wild - mountainous forestland where silver apples grow
- Wild Lands of the North
- Deathwater Island - Famous for a pool which turns anything to gold. Don't fall in!
- Dragon Island
- Duffer Isle - Home to a tribe of one-legged humanoids called Dufflepuds
- Lone Islands - The most populous and busiest of the islands in the Eastern Ocean, a place where Narnians mix with Calormenes and islanders. Its main hub is the city of Narrowhaven, on the island of Doorn.
- The Seven Isles - Far out in the Eastern Ocean
The catch to getting into Narnia is that one can not intend to go to Narnia. While this presents difficulties, it also means there are a great number of possibilities for entering the country. Hiding in a wardrobe, being summoned by a magic horn, gazing at unusual paintings, and catching the wind after leaping from high cliffs have all been reported as entry methods, but since these have been done before you will likely need to find a new method for yourself. A good rule of thumb is that if you walk into bedroom furniture and find yourself in a forest, or if your picture of a boat begins leaking and eventually floods your room, you may be on the verge of a Narnian holiday.
For locations further afield, the Wood between the Worlds provides quick if unreliable connection service.
Note that leaving Narnia is an even trickier proposition than entering. A giant, talking cat voiced by Liam Neeson may be able to help with departure arrangements, although expect that he may involve you in wars against witches and decades-long reigns over the countryside before he provides assistance. Otherwise, look for a white stag that hangs out near Spare Oom, which is reputedly near the unknown lands of War Drobe.
Narnia's archaic transport system frankly sucks. The roads are almost universally unpaved, and often unpassable with the old ramshackle Ladas that pervade (owing to the U.S. export embargo). Horses are a better bet. They're of excellent stock, but you'll find that talking horses can be big complainers. A better and quicker option is to ride owlback, although locations where owls can be flagged down are rather limited. Avoid riding centaurs unless expressly invited to do so.
If you want to extend your journey down to Calormen or out to the Eastern Isles, you'll need to go by sailboat, which can be chartered with or without a liveaboard captain at the docks near Cair Paravel. Boat trips are limited in range to the edge of the world, where further passage requires a lion's approval and the courage of a mouse.
Shockingly, talking is one of the few things that isn't a problem in Narnia. Expect to hear from everyone - people of course, but also beavers, minotaurs, bears, centaurs, lions, mice, and even the trees. The only difficulty might be in deciphering the accents, which are decidedly British with a hint of Kiwi, not unlike some other destinations known for their literary pedigree and box office earnings.
- Cair Paravel. A splendid seaside castle fortress, or the long-forgotten ruins of one, depending on the time of your visit.
- Lamp-post in Lantern Waste (in the woods of northwest Narnia, near the passage from Spare Oom). No trip to Narnia is complete without getting your picture taken by "the lamp", but be warned that it is a long and arduous journey just to see a single, solitary streetlamp in the middle of the forest.
- Hill of the Stone Table (Aslan's Howe). This hill has a huge table, possibly made of Golgotha granite, supported by four pillars and covered in magical writing reputed to be the ancient laws of Narnia and/or the universe. It is now broken across the middle, but if you feel the need to ritually sacrifice a cat of any size, this would still make a stunning location.
- Miraz's Castle. Seat of the Telmarine dynasty.
- Ruined City of the Giants (City Ruinous) (south of Harfang). Little is left of this mysterious city, built during the Age of Conquest. The main attraction is the giant inscription of the words "Under Me". The park also offers access to Underland realms such as Bism.
- Stormness Head. Narnia's highest peak, at the southern edge of the country.
- White Witch's Castle. Made of stone and completely iced over, this imposing castle features a courtyard where you can see many previous visitors who have been turned to stone. (See the Stay safe section below.)
- Stag hunting. White stags are especially prized, but make sure they are not talking ones, and don't wander too far or you may find yourself back at home with nothing to do.
- Dawn Treader Expeditions. Specializing in open-ended journeys to undiscovered lands, Dawn Treader Expeditions is known for its "Seven Lords" trip through the Lone Islands. Prices vary, although some travelers have been known to obtain free passage by joining trips that were already in progress. While most reviews are positive, there have been some complaints by passengers who were later sold into the slave trade or turned into giant reptiles. Tips for the crew not included in expedition prices.
Remember that purchases made in Narnia will likely not be going home with you. Special exceptions may be made, especially for fruit items, with prior authorization from the Aslan Customs Authority. However, the petition process may involve a great deal of bureaucracy and/or lion-taming.
- Turkish Delight - Narnia is the world capital of Turkish Delight (excluding Turkey) and consumption reached record levels under the reign of the 'White Witch'. Be careful however with this delicious treat: rumours abound about its alleged addictiveness and Narnia is still gripped by an obesity epidemic, fuelled by the sugary sweet.
Narnia's currency is the lion, which is divided into an indeterminate number of trees. The easier-to-conceptualize Calormene crescent is accepted at some island destinations but true Narnians may frown on this.
Beware of any mouth-watering feasts you may find mysteriously set for you when wandering through the woods, as these have been known to be tainted with a very powerful sleeping aid. Check the area thoroughly for comatose long-bearded kings before digging in.
- Pavender - a (non-talking) rainbow-colored fish found only in Narnian waters.
- Silver apples - grown from a single tree in the Western Wilds, they are reputed to have both healing and evil-repellent properties
- Turkish delight - a delicacy of Narnia, though be wary of your server. Tip generously.
- Wild fresney - an edible weed which grows only in Narnia
- Bacchus' Pub. Free-flowing libations, with the enticing companionship of maenads.
- Beaver Family Lodge. This bed-and-breakfast serves a complimentary trout dinner with beer.
- Tumnus' Cave. A bit drafty, but there is always tea.
- Dryad School of Dance.
- Tumnus' Library (In Tumnus' Cave). Peruse such titles as "Is man a myth?" and "Nymphs and their ways".
- Petrification - It is best to avoid ticking off any frosty would-be queen types you may come across, particularly during the long winters, as being instantly petrified can put a damper on your otherwise enjoyable vacation. If you are petrified, don't panic, as this may lead to crumbling. Wait calmly until a magic lion comes and breathes on you. This may take months or even years, but don't worry - you'll find that no time was actually lost once you are finally home again.
- Climate - Always winter and never Christmas, imagine that! Don't underestimate the continuous cold weather.
Health concerns arise usually only when venturing out of the central districts, particularly in the tropical islands of the Eastern Ocean. While malarial risks are very low, travelers report that it's best to avoid drinking the water at, erm, Deathwater Island. Reports of food-borne illness are totally overblown, particularly the nonsense about sleeping sickness on Ramandu's Island—trypanosomiasis is transmitted only by tsetse flies, which are a problem only in eastern Calormen.
Clothing is an issue of some concern in Narnia. Fauns, minotaurs, and centaurs are all half-human, half-animal creatures who generally go about wearing scarves, hats, or something above, but not so much down... there. It takes some getting used to, so concentrate on keeping eyes at eye level and avoid any stray glances.
In Narnia's past Christmas was considered something of a taboo, however, following the recent White Witch Abolition Act, the holiday is now celebrated with verve, although some older Narnians are still rather sensitive to loud carols.
Homosexual couples are well-received in Narnia as, in order to enter this mythical land (see above), one must come out of the closet but remember it is very silly to shut oneself into a wardrobe, even if it is not a magic one.
Whilst religion is not overt within Narnia, certain chroniclers have noted allegories to Protestant Christian thought.
Narnia's communications infrastructure is extremely primitive and may come as a disappointment to the connected traveller.
Telephony is yet to reach this mythical land and, as such, if you ask locals for direction to a telephone box/kiosk, you're likely to find yourself confronted with confused expressions.
Mobile telephones will be of little assistance in this mast-less world, so don't expect them to be of much use. Many inhabitants find modern smartphones particularly terrifying, so handle them with care. Future travellers may have greater luck in this regard as the recently created NarnCom Corporation seeks to replace the territory's historic lamppost with a 100ft cellular tower. The planning application is yet be assessed.
In cases of emergency, a rudimentary pager-like call may be made from Susan's Horn, now in the storeroom at Cair Paravel, but results are unpredictable at best.
- Archenland - a small, mountainous human country just to the south of Narnia
- Bism - lands of the Deep Realm, populated by short, squat Earthmen and famous for its rivers of lava
- Calormen - a land of humans to the far south, not entirely unlike medieval Iran
- Telmar - a nation to the west, founded by human pirates from the Real World
- Aslan's Country - located across the Eastern Sea and beyond the edge of the world, Aslan's mountainous country is nevertheless accessible from any world you happen to find yourself in.