Wikivoyage:Joke articles/You

You are the destination of choice of airborne bacteria, viruses, fungi and assorted parasites. With a selection of orifices for access, the thrills of grappling with an angry immune system and vast opportunities for breeding if successful, You can be the journey of a lifetime.

Get in

By air

Map of Your passages for entry by air

Airborne visitors, especially those heading to the Lungs, prefer to enter via Your Nose. However, the continual flow of air in and out of the nose can make entry difficult, so the suggested method is to hang around the tip, then plunge forward during an inhalation, and grab tightly onto a nosehair before the exhalation starts. (Try not to irritate the nosehairs too much, or You will sneeze and you'll have to start all over again.) Repeat this a few times and you'll reach the safety of the Olfactory Mucosa, from where you can proceed upward into the Sinuses or down into the Lungs.

If this seems too hard, don't despair: some travellers suggest that You may be a Mouth-breather, which makes entry that much easier: instead of aiming for the nostrils and battling with nose hairs, you can just aim straight for the gaping maw underneath. The downside is that getting to the Sinuses is a little harder (you'll need to do a quick, sharp U-turn at the Pharynx). If, like most visitors, you're heading to the Lungs, keep an eye out for Epiglottis Intersection: you want to make sure you go down Trachea Trail, not Esophagus Avenue, or you'll end up in the Stomach instead. In either case, try not to tickle the throat too much on your way down, or you may end up violently expelled by a cough.

Alternately, some travellers may be introduced into You by hitching a flight on Mosquito Airlines.

By food

This is a risky proposition, as the traveller risks being crushed by molars at the entry point and/or immediate deportation upon arrival in the Stomach region. It may be wise to avoid suspicion and detection by wearing a heavy coat of sugar or powdered cheese. This is particularly true for travellers coming from the US.

By other

• It may be possible to enter through the border at Colon.

Get around

By blood

The bloodstream is by far the most common method of getting around the body, as the network of arteries (from the heart) and veins (to the heart) circulates throughout the entire body, allowing fast access to every nook and cranny. The main danger is the presence of white blood cells (see #Stay safe), a famously xenophobic lot, which have been known to attack innocent tourists without warning.

By spinal fluid

For the hardcore traveler, the spinal fluid provides an exciting alternative that pumps out at the massive bandwidth only the Backbone can provide. Access is difficult, as the Backbone is encased in a solid layer of bone, but it's worth the trouble, since once inside you've got a ticket straight into the mysteries of the Brain.

The main danger of going spinal is Spinal Taps [1]. If you hear the amplifiers getting cranked up to 11, get out as fast as possible, or risk spontaneous human combustion!

See

• Follicle Forest National Preserve offers a vast expanse which makes some of the best louse-hunting grounds to be found anywhere on You. Some visitors may become aware of the gradual deforestation which sometimes takes place here.
• Fudge Factory, just up the road from Colon. Tours and samples available.
• Mammary Mountains National Park - This majestic range has peaks which vary in size, but almost always come in (more or less) matching pairs.
• Nostril Caverns - Filled with amazing yellowish stalagmite and stalactites of all shapes. Also check out the nearby Sinus Caves.
• Plumber's Canyon
• Royal Navel Center, in the middle of the Beergut Highlands. These days the old naval center is only near water once a day or so, and is no longer affiliated with the Mother land.
• Theater of the Mind - You never know what you might see once the lights go out.

Do

• Cochlea Music Pavilion has music, speeches and occasional loud concerts where you can "rock out with your cochlea out".
• Fallopian Tubes Water Park - This women's only theme park has some of the world's most amazing tube slides. Call in advance, as some tubes may be closed off for accident prevention.

Buy

Lung transplantation is very expensive, although it can substantially improve quality of life. Two-thirds of the costs are incurred after transplantation.

Eat

• Apples are popular. Local varieties include Adam's Apple and the Apple of your Eye.
• Cheese - The cheese producing region of You is found far to the south around the Toe Fjords, hence the name toe cheese. The region is also known for its homegrown jam.

Sleep

A variety of comfortable resting places can be found throughout Your body.

• Alveoli, Lungs. A particularly popular choice for visitors arriving by air, here you can kick back on soft, air-filled sacks, enjoy the fresh breeze of oxygen (or carbon dioxide, if that's your thing), and hop aboard the Capillary Express when you're ready to continue your journey. 

• Villi, Intestines. Comfortable nooks and crannies within the intestines, the Villi are a perfect place to take a much-needed breather after the rough ride through the Stomach. The privacy afforded by the sexy, smooth folds of the lining also make this a favorite spot to knock boots with your significant other and spawn off a few thousands offspring. Just be careful not to irritate the lining too much in the throes of passion, or you may find yourself unceremoniously flushed out. 

Stay safe

White blood cells (leukocytes) patrol Your bloodstream, engulfing and digesting hapless tourists who cannot produce correct identification on demand. Be sure to alter your protein signature to blend in with the locals if you see any approaching.

Go next

After You have been taken care of, there are still several billion other sacks of protoplasm left to explore. Some options include:

• Me — Not a good place to go to, at all. Seriously. Trust me on this one.
• Somebody Else — So much better than Me. Just go there. Now.
• How You get in.